Do you ever look in the mirror

and have no idea who the person staring back at you is?

I feel so disconnected

From my thoughts

Memories

Actions

And self.

My entire social life

From the age of 4 - kindergarten,

Till now at the age of 27 - graduate school

Has been colored by seperation, ridicule, abandonment, shame, manipulation, confusion, and tears.

So why am I surprised I’m here again.

I cant keep a friend to save my life.

One time my friend slept over at my house, we were playing and I feel down the stairs and broke my arm. I yelled at her. She never talked to me again. I was 6

I remember the first best friend that broke up with me, over AIM, after 3-4 years of being together 24/7.

I told my mom I was thinking about killing myself, at 9 years old.

She called the other girls Mom and they came over and we made up, for a time. Didn’t last, freshman year she stopped speaking to me, acknowledging me, hanging out near me, then switched schools. Because I copied her. I really don’t know what that means till this day…

Next was in high school. A girl I had known since kindergarten and had been on and off friends with, we got really close. Over winter break she came to Tahoe with me and my mom. We had so much fun. After break, she wouldn’t talk to me, look at me, answer my texts anything. I heard from someone else she told them “we had nothing in common anymore”.

Then the two bitches, ugh, they were best friends and I was the third wheel. They would exclude me and “side bar” away from me and laugh at me pointing and never tell me what they were talking about. But when I was alone with the one, we were cool we were friends.

I eventually started smoking weed and stopped talking to them because they were BASIC LAME ASS HOES (still bitter, shit)

Then i met him, and we hit it off from the start. Both Libras, both smoke, both had jobs (money), and just like really got along and had the same humor. We met 13, but started hanging out every day by 15. If we didn’t see each other and hang out, we were in constant communication. Even when we’re about to see each other or were in the SAME ROOM we would text eachother. Through good and bad we were there for one another. Relationships. Loss. Victory. And for 12 years it was pretty sweet, we were on top and no one would fuck with us. I knew he’d have my back and I would always have someone there if I needed it.

Then we moved in with each other. We had tried it once before, it ended horrifically, but we were 19, this would be different, we are 26 now.

Oh hell no.

1.5 years into living with each other

12 years into bestfriendship

I don’t know him. I fear him. He has said the worst things to me, no one has ever said anything worse.

“Stupid, dumbass, bitch, worthless, it’s all your fault - this is why everyone leaves you, you fucking crazy bitch, you are so stupid, your life is pathetic and always has been and will be, im so much better than you, loser, fat ass, I’ll play the fucking game, I won’t let you treat me like you treated your other friends, you’re crazy, fucking stupid dumbass”

Just to name a few.

And I’m stuck till 10/2018 - their lease ends

And I’ve been told not to communicate with his partner - my other room mate

I have friends. Casual, maybe see them once every couple months.

But He was my ride or die, like tell me what you did today and ate for breakfast lunch and dinner. Let’s go Shopping even tho we arw broke, Denny’s at 2 am on a work night type homie.

I still fanatasize he will appologize.

And I know I would forgive him

But he won’t

But I would

I needed to get this out. Makes it real.

I have issues lol

I’m terrified of being left, because people always do.

Nothing last.

And for real I’m ok with that in general. but with this, I’d rather we had just grown apart. Not the full blown aggressive attack.

It sucks even more because I already think to myself all the shit he said, that shit is internalized in me already. I DO think it’s all my fault, that I’m stupid, dumb, worthless, crazy, a bitch, lazy fatass that doesn’t do shit,whatever the flavor of the day is.

I’m sure round 3 (1 and 2 have occurred in the month of April 2018) will include new treats and acts he has been working on.

Idk

4/2005 - 4/2018

Good run, bro.

nowhites:

people think they do such a good job masking their hate and jealousy but what they dont realize is their hate and jealously is the exact reason why their hair is greasy. skin greasy. face acting up. intestines clogged. grades slipping. you get uglier every day and it’s your own fault because you’re a lousy hater

stoneyxochi:

why do I waste so much energy caring about people who don’t care about me?

hxxligan:

Relationships don’t take your anxiety away
Relationships don’t take your depression away
Relationships don’t stop the bad thoughts
Relationships don’t stop your mental illnesses

(via stoneyxochi)

just-shower-thoughts:

Sucide is really self defence cause you are killing the person trying to kill you

(via stoneyxochi)

How do you expect others to like you when you don’t even like yourself, Emily?

My birthday is on the 20 th

All I want is to like myself.

THESE BITCHES WANT NIKES. THEY LOOKING FOR A CHECK. I TELL EM IT AIN’T LIKELY. SAID SHE NEED A RING LIKE CARMELO. MUST BE ON THAT WHITE LIKE OTHELLO. ALL YOU WANT IS NIKES.  BUT THE REAL ONES.  JUST LIKE YOU.  JUST LIKE ME.  I DON’T PLAY, I DONT MAKE TIME.  BUT IF YOU NEED DICK I GOT YOU AND I YAM FROM THE LINE.  POUR UP FOR A$AP. RIP PIMP C. RIP TRAYVON, THAT NIGGA LOOK JUST LIKE ME.  WOOO, FUCCKKINN BUZZINNN WOOOO. THAT MY LIL COUSIN, HE GOT A LIL TRADE. HIS GIRL KEEP THE SCALES, A LIL MERMAID.  WE OUT BY THE POOL SOME LIL MERMAIDS. ME AND THEM GEL, LIKE TWIGS WIT DEM BANGS. NOW THAT’S A REAL MERMAID. YOU BEEN HOLDING YOUR BREATH. WEIGHTED DOWN.  PUNK MADRE, PUNK PAPA.  HE DON’T CARE FOR ME, BUT HE CARES FOR ME.  AND THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH.  WE DON’T TALK MUCH OR NOTHING. BUT WHEN WE TALKING BOUT SOMETHING, WE HAVE GOOD DISCUSSION.  I MET HIS FRIENDS LAST WEEK. FEELS LIKE THEY’RE UP TO SOMETHING.  THAT’S GOOD FOR US.  WE’LL LET YOU GUYS PROPHESY. WE’LL LET YOU GUYS PROPHESY. WE GON SEE THE FUTURE FIRST.  WE’LL LET YOU GUYS PROPHESY.  WE GON SEE THE FUTURE FIRST.  LIVING SO THE LAST NIGHT, FEELS LIKE A PAST LIFE.  SPEAKING OF THE DON’T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO PEOPLE, DEVIL BE POSSESSING HOMIES DEMONS TRY TO BODY JUMP.  WHY YOU THINK I’M IN THIS BITCH WEARING A FUCKING YARMULKE.  ACID ON ME LIKE THE RAIN.  WEED CRUMBLES INTO GLITTER.  RAIN. GLITTER.  WE LAID OUT ON THIS WET FLOOR.  AWAY TURF, NO ASTRO.  MESMERIZED HOW THE STROBES GLOW, LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE FEET DANCE.  I KNOW THAT YOUR NIGGA CAME WITCHA.  BUT HE AIN’T WITCHA.  WE ONLY HUMAN AND IT’S HUMID IN THESE BALMAINS.  I MEAN MY BALLS STICKING TO MY JEANS.  WE BREATHING PHEROMONES, AMBER ROSE.  SIPPING PINK GOLD LEMONADES. FEELING.  I MAY BE YOUNGER, BUT I’LL LOOK AFTER YOU.  WE’RE NOT IN LOVE BUT I’LL , MAKE LOVE TO YOU.  WHEN YOU’RE NOT HERE, I’LL SAVE SOME FOR YOU.  I’M NOT HIM, BUT I’LL MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU.  I’LL MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU.

(Source: frankocean)

In a similar vein,

This time last year I was cooing over a crush,
Over all the attention.

A whole year later and I still can’t get enough of him. 🍬🍬🍬🍬🍬💘💘